watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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