So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
