I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
