Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
