fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
