sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
