I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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