I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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