the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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