My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
