Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
