is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
