thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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