my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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