Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
