He kissed a someone with a penis
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
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