3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
