This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
