You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
