Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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