i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
