I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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