Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
