Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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