Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Randomize