I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she looked like the before picture.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
