I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
