I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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