well I can't set my house on fire every night
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
