im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
