I could make wine with my vomit
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
