that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
