Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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