alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize