I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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