His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
