We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I want to be your penis for a week.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
