Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
