Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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