On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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