Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
