if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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