she woke up with a sticky ear
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
