Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
