Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize