I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I love you. Go after that dick
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
