Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
