Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize