I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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