Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize