i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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