Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
