discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
