I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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