I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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