Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It's blow job season.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
