No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
