I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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