Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
