i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
