I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
