I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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